Monday, May 9, 2011

I Am Not Alone...

Sometimes it's easy for me to forget that I'm not alone.

I just discovered "Google Blog Search" and decided to plunder through a couple blogs relating to Trinity's condition...

I'm constantly looking for ways to educate myself on what's coming. I know that we have a big journey ahead of us and I'm not going to lie, I'm terrified.

The first blog I found is about a boy named Daniel. He's going through the exact same surgery that is coming up for Trinity. Finding real life stories such as this are valuable to me, but not always easy to read. I had to stop reading due to the sick feeling in my stomach.

I'm terrified I'm not going to be able to do all the things I will need to do for her when the time comes. My days will be cram packed with doctors, therapist, exercises and Trinity. It's not that there is too much to do. I'm just afraid I'm going to screw something up. The last thing I want to do is cause her more pain than she is going to and has already endured.

I'm not a doctor.

I've already encountered situations that have been more than a little intimidating, but to me, this surgery coming up is the giant one-eyed cyclopse. I'm not sure that I'm completely ready to face it yet.

I know that I will have my husband with me for 18 days during and after surgery. He's also planning on coming up as many weekends as possible after he has to go back home. I also know that I have many friends and family members that are willing to and planning to come up, but...

I'm still scared.

I'm scared of the pain Trinity will go through. I'm scared of the infections she will be at risk of. I'm scared of her joints locking up or fusing together. I'm scared of not being strong enough. I'm scared I'll forget something that will hurt her. I'm scared I'll oversleep and miss something I shouldn't. I'm scared of making the wrong choice. I'm scared I won't know what to do.

I'm scared of all the things that could go wrong.

I'm scared of failing her...

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